Apr
Giant baby is not a baby, but a rather large 3-year-old named Gavin. He lives in the Midwest, with his mother and father, where he will soon presumably grow into a giant adult.
According to his mother, he is 43 inches tall, which by CDC guidelines, puts him into the 99.9th percentile for children his age. This child is extremely large.
I am a member of the former-giant-baby community. At 6’4″, 225 pounds, I am in the 99th percentile for men in North America, so I am what happens when a giant baby grows up. Society is not built for former-giant-babies. Shoes in most stores stop around size 12, and only limited larger sizes are available. Basketball shoes are easy, but try finding a pair of wingtips. I can find pants with my waist size, but the inseam is tougher to match. (Most big and tall stores cater to the “big” more than the “tall”, if we’re being real about it.) Extra Large is a muscle shirt. Extra extra large is never slim-fit. You will never win, giant baby. Getting your shirts and pants tailored is just part of the giant baby tax.
Giant baby is about to embark upon a life filled with school lunches meant for children half his size. As he grows older, he’ll be the one everyone calls for “help moving” since he’ll be the largest person his friends know. People will assume he has a large penis, even though his penis is average in size, and therefore appears smaller, because it’s attached to a larger person — and women (or men) will always look slightly disappointed when they see it.
Sometimes, people won’t bother learning your name. They’ll just say, “Hey big guy.” When I first met my wife’s father, I remember standing up, and hitting my head on a dining room lamp. He remarked, “Well, you’re a tall glass of water.” Indeed. This doesn’t change the danger of fixtures in my life.
Giant baby is embarking upon a life filled with people who are assholes. Yes, I’m talking about his future 5’7″ friend Terry, who will call “Shotgun!” and force Gavin to squeeze into the back of a Toyota Corolla. We like Terry, but that’s fucked up, Terry. Your small ass doesn’t need the leg room. Fuck off with that shotgun nonsense.
When a giant baby grows into a former giant baby, the ankle, knee, and lower back pain begins. The miracles of modern medicine and nutrition have allowed human beings to grow into some massive sizes, especially since the advent of refrigeration — but our joints and ligaments haven’t caught up with our muscles and bones. The life of a giant baby is really cool, until you get into your 30s.
Giant baby, don’t let the internet get you down. You’ll always be the biggest guy walking into any room. Dating when you’re tall is basically dating on easy-mode. It’s rare anyone will ever challenge you to a fight. You might even parlay some of your size and considerable baby-car-moving abilities into athletics, and dodge student loans in the process.
Being a giant baby is cool, and everyone else just wishes they were a giant baby. That’s what is really happening here. The internet is jealous. They want to be like you, and they can’t experience the joy of being a giant baby. From a former giant baby to a current giant baby, you’re doing great. Stay the course. Stay giant, baby.